I find it difficult to keep resolutions, any type of resolutions- at the beginning of the New Year or during other times as well. But since 2012 was so challenging for me [resplendent with rewards and feats of personal growth,] I thought it fitting to write up a goals list akin to a resolution list. So I sauntered upstairs and took out my paint markers and a giant sketch pad.
I love writing notes to myself on giant paper, I tend to revisit them that way.
|Goes great with fat markers.|
I titled it 2013 Revolution List. It was a typo.
Or was it?
Here is what I came up with, in no particular order.
1~ Do ONE creative thing (for my-Self) each day.
2~ Listen- with Love- to my body's messages.
3~ Let my-Self feel all of my emotions:
the pleasant, the unpleasant, the neutral.
4~ End comparisons of my-Self to/with others.
5~ Accept what is with grace, patience and detachment.
In the last some-odd weeks since the number on our checkbooks changed, I came down with the dreaded flu. Yup, that flu. I also suffered a nasty sinus infection and a skull-aching maxillary infection. I had to listen to my body's messages.
By default, I have quit smoking [again, and finally] and cut out certain foods which hurt me when I eat them. I am on the mend. Slowly but surely.
|I was collecting moss like this relic here, but I am back in the swing of things...|
OR I have greased the wheels so-to-speak.
Something about being as ill as I was with the flu was quite telling. Being down for the count for days on end offered oodles of reflection time. Asking myself how I was regularly spending my time and energy when I was “well” became a serious inquiry. For too long to note, I did not let myself feel my true emotions. I knew this but I still busied myself behind fun activities and with “friends” who didn't get it. I was naturally the life of every party. (That will never change, I am super-fun!)
I escaped in manners which seemed healthy at the time, all the while, I suffered deep down and was unaware of my suffering. It was only after I moved into the place I live now that I was able to let down my hair in a safe, timely manner- my own time.
Without other people to entertain or answer to, I come home every day and call each and every shot. Good mood or bad, I don't have to say hello to anyone but my cat, and her expectations are low, yet I get unconditional love from her- and the sporadic free-range turd- but that's another story.
In being ill, I had days on end, laying about, drinking tea and juice and water, napping as I cried. I cried for days. I was harboring something damaging other than germs. I had years worth of a strong facade to peel back. You know how when you need a new roof on your house, you can re-surface it 2X before you have to strip it and start anew? That is exactly how I felt. I re-surfaced my self, but those shingles needed to finally go, they were not holding up any longer. Tears became my carpenters.
Let my-Self feel all of my emotions:
the pleasant, the unpleasant, the neutral.
I honestly thought that I had to keep up a stony face to get through, but all I ended up doing was stuffing pain and rage and other heavy emotions deeper into an abyss. I didn't know how to access it all. It was too big. The years of disappointment and sadness melted into anger and shock. How to un-knot that mess? How about the flu?
I honestly believe it was my emotional tipping point that lowered my immunity and resistance to germs. Had I felt emotionally stronger, my body would respond in kind.
One thing I know 100% well- it is my body.
No doctor could say a word to me otherwise. I truly am a case of “physician, heal thy self.” Since I could remember, I knew what was behind any ailment I suffered from, much to the confusion or argument of physicians- with the exception of my favorite doctor- Dr. Yang, my TCM physician, who always listens- with his entire being. One human to another. I Love him!
Wait- I digress.
It is of perfect timing that I got so physically ill.
In a small, strange way, I am actually thankful I got sick!
|Sometimes I don't fit in... but that's okay!|
Accept what is with grace, patience and detachment.
Being that ill acted as a reminder to me how I was poisoning myself with bad habits, choices, thoughts and actions. I was not acting as gentle to my-self as I want to be. In a week and a half time, I have been through hell. Flu is no joke as it is, but top it with not one but two serious infections, and subsequently, an emergency oral surgery- and VOILA! That is my 2013 New Year's intro smash-hit!
|Bob Marley knew...|
As a result of this germy contemplation, I really commit to be as loving to me as I can. Ciggs had to go. Again. Bye-bye! I want to nurture my body (and spirit,) appreciate it and feel energized by what I put into it. I have also, by default, slowed my alcohol intake to a minimum. Other than my visit on New Year's Eve out of state, I have been barely imbibing at all. I noticed how puffy and foggy I feel when I drink any booze. I am not saying I am quitting, but my natural inclination is not there as it was, so that is just fine with me. It is an empty-calorie depressant also, and those are two negative things I need not. I did agree to feel my emotions. Drinking covers certain emotions and heightens others, so a break is in order as far as that goes. Food does the same.
|All are correct.|
Certain foods cary resonance vibrationally that renders them comforting or stimulating or calming, etc. Nutritional value aside, I am suggesting their spiritual and emotional resonance. There are certain phrases which are common knowledge in our language and have become idioms which are likened to this very subject: “cool as a cucumber” being one of them. I dare you to munch on a cuke when you are pissed off, you won't stay as mad as you were- I promise... It really works! Too much hot and spicy foods can actually agitate your disposition.
So, in thinking about listening to my body's messages- with Love- I am lead to respond, in kind. Aversion to dairy, I hear you loud and clear. Craving slightly bitter greens- time for escarole salads. Our bodies will guide us, if we choose to and know how to listen.
|Turn it up!!!|
I listen- with Love- to my body's messages.
A few years ago, I decided that I wanted to be the healthiest person I knew. I eschewed my depression and fought it with healthy habits like walking, dancing and meditating. I had no money to speak of, and many details of my life were pointing in a dark direction. I didn't let that stop me. I was positive that the universe would provide the perfect circumstances and people in my life, and it did! I was eating a 95% vegan, high-raw diet, because that is what my body really craves and excels with. And my entire world changed in a year and a half time.
Without giving too many details, I will just say that some of the changes in my life over that 5 years since then were not the healthiest, and I was unable to continue eating my favorite ways, but this is now, and I make new choices daily!
I bless the wisdom I have gained and let the rough portions of the lessons go. I am moving through the painful parts, and past the negative habit parts into that self-made space from way back when, when I decided to be really healthy- body, mind, heart and spirit.
Sometimes we need a period of intense detox to clear the gunk before we beam with light and health. Knowing what works gently and what throws me into detox-shock, I can take my time getting to my perfect homeostasis. I am not interested in how it works for anyone else. Their journey is theirs. My journey is mine.
|True friends don't judge!|
Revolution # 4:
END comparisons of my-Self to/with others.
Which brings me to this essay, this journal entry, this blog. I am doing one creative thing today: writing it down. I write for myself, not knowing if I will share it or it will ever be read even if I do. That's fine. I know that the only things worth doing are done for myself, nobody else. And if they reach someone or speak to another person, that is a bonus round. I am grateful either way.
Do one creative thing [for my-Self] each day!
|P.S. Try to be Kind, Loving & Gentle (to your-Self) this year!|